A Cat's Life
He was a lot more than just a cat.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I hereby make a public apology to the highly esteemed Sir Ullrick the Wondercat, for whose leniency and generosity in the matter of the "Wet Cat Incident" I shall forever be grateful. Be sure, there was no malice intended on my part, though I do regret that my actions also lacked any form of foresight whatsoever. Words cannot express how deeply regretful I truly am (although the claw marks on my shoulder are a direct testament to this). I further apologize to any kitties that may have taken indirect offense to my actions, and I hereby swear that the incident shall never again be repeated. I pledge to compensate Sir Ullrick with thousands upon thousands of cuddles and kisses and kitty treats. Furthermore, I publicly acknowledge the superiority of the feline species, and I bow down before it. I am blessed to be allowed continued residence and companionship with such a benevolent and tolerant cat as Sir Ullrick. I am pleased to be allowed to continue in the service of his highly esteemed Self, and shall work night and day to rectify any damage caused by my participation in the "Wet Cat Incident."
Yours sincerely and most humbly,
Monday, February 27, 2006
My name is Ullrick. Ullrick the Wet Cat.
I didn't choose to be this way. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I became a Wet Cat.
Unfortunately, I will be a Wet Cat until the time that I dry.
Do you know what it's like to live with the stigma of being a Wet Cat?
Please, don't shun us Wet Cats by locking us in the kitchen until we dry. Blowdrying us is just a form of cruel and unusual punishment, for something that is not even our fault.
Please, please, when you are warm and dry and snuggled up in your bed, don't forget about all of the poor little Wet Cats out there.
Don't ever get a human. It's just not worth it.
If you thought this was bad, wait till you hear what happened today.
I should have known better than to be happy when Curiosa announced she was going to the "puddy store" to buy some "puddy food." After all, as we learned last time, don't mess with the food. And I thought she was just going to come back with what she said she was going to buy, that is, kitten food.
Problem is, Curiosa, being a typical female and all, never does exactly what she says she is going to do. Technically, she DID buy the food, but she didn't bring it home.
The first time.
The first time she came home bearing gifts. There were some new metal food bowls, a new litter box with a lid, a couple of cans of stinky goodness (especially for little kitties), a pom pom, and even a little mouse. (Pssssssshhhh...as if one little 99 cent mouse is going to placate me...)
She also came home with a bag. A giant red vinyl bag with a zipper on it. It looked like she was planning to go bowling.
I should have known better.
She unzipped the giant red bag and of course I investigated it. It was carpeted inside, and actually kind of nice!
But before I knew it, she zipped me into it!! and said we were going back to the pet store to pick up the rest of the kitty food.
EXCUSE ME? DID YOU SAY WE? WE ARE GOING TO THE PET STORE? WHAT'S THIS WE BUSINESS? SURELY YOU MEAN YOU ARE GOING BACK TO THE PET STORE, RIGHT?
No, she actually did mean WE.
So out the door we went, with me slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatos. Let me tell you, of all the undignified things.....It was like I was nothing but a mere accessory. Sniff sniff.
I digress. DID I MENTION SHE TOOK ME TO THE PET STORE IN A PURSE?
There were cars, and woofies, and people, and more cars, and more woofies, and more people. It was way too much for a very little kitty (after all, I am just a baby) to take in all at once.
We got the damn food, and then headed home. And then there were even more cars, more woofies, and more people. I started to cry very loudly. HELP ME! HELP ME!
Curiosa kept saying that it's good to practice being in the bag. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN PRACTICE? PRACTICE FOR WHAT? NOTHING WE NEED TO DO INVOLVES PRACTICING, OF ANY KIND. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, CURIOSA, START A KITTY BASEBALL TEAM?
Finally...after what seemed like FOREVER...I mean like ages and ages...like a whole millenium or something...we got home. On the way in the outside door, Curiosa sniffed and announced that it smelled like one of the woofies had done his thing.
How very wrong she was.
Yeah, that's right. That smell didn't come from no woofie.
I pooped in the purse. And then I peed in the purse.
That'll show her, I thought. Boo-yaa, take that.
I was wrong. So very, very wrong.
Not only did she decide to give the purse a bath, she decided to give me a bath while she was at it. First of all, the bathroom was dark, because the light bulb burned out over the weekend and Curiosa has decided she's a vampire and doesn't like light anyway, so she hadn't changed it yet. (Or rather, she hadn't gone to the store to get the bulbs she needed).
So now she has a pissy, poopy, angry cat in a dark bathroom. So she locks me in the bathroom, runs to the bedroom and steals the bulb from the night light, and comes back into the dark bathroom. So picture this: Curiosa, who knows by now that if I have to take a bath, she is going to take a bath, stripped down to her underwear, trying to change a lightbulb in a dark bathroom, cracking the bathroom door open enough so she can get some light from the hallway, all the while trying to keep a pissy, poopy, angry cat from escaping.
That image would make me laugh, that is, if I weren't the pissy, poopy, angry cat in question.
I'll save you the gory details of the ensuing battle, but suffice it to say that at one point Curiosa was wearing me like a hat. A Cat Hat. More stylish than that purse at least.
So, I got wet, she got wet, the bathroom got wet, and I think the ceiling even got wet.
It couldn't possibly get any worse, right?
Wrong again. So very, very wrong.
Turns out, I hadn't quite finished doing what I needed to do in the purse, but Curiosa wasn't going to let a wet cat streak around the rest of the apartment.
So her solution to this dilemma was to clean out the litter boxes and then fill one of them with fresh kitty litter (clay sand, mind you) and then lock it into the bathroom with me.
Yeah, cause it takes a genius to figure out that a wet cat and clay sand make a PERFECT combination. A wet cat plus clay sand that is supposed to clump together when it gets wet. Oh yeah, and a wet long-haired cat at that.
So now she's waiting for me to do what I need to do in the box so she can remove it in order to give me another bath to get the clumpy sand out of my fur.
Hmmmmpf. We'll see who lasts the longest.
Curiosa says that I am almost the perfect man. In fact, we almost have everything she wants in a relationship. She's the only woman in the world, as far as I am concerned. I love to cuddle, I'm a good listener, and I communicate my needs very clearly.
The only problem is that I still expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning, not to mention the fact that I poop in a box.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Leave my pussy out of it
Thought you guys might enjoy this entry Curiosa wrote awhile ago. It's great advice for anyone dating a cat lover.
There's a cat in the computer!
Have you had your screen cleaned today? Click here for the latest in computer sanitation products.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
To those with the opposable thumbs
This is about the best idea I have ever heard, especially for those kitties out there who like to climb (That was a silly statement. What cat doesn't like to climb?) and/or who have limited space for BIG cat furniture. Have your people run out to the nearest IKEA and buy this. It's called the "PS FÅNGST" (yeah, with the silly Scandinavian letter and all) and it's a closet organizer you can buy in the kids' department for $4.99. It's made out of a really strong mesh netting, the same material as football jersies, and it's PURR-FECT for kitties to climb. There are six "shelves" inside, so all you have to do once you buy it is to cut kitty-sized holes on each of the inside shelves so kitties can go from one section to another. Then you just hang it from a sturdy hook (maybe from a re-inforced beam across a door frame) and let your kitty loose. Make sure you reinforce the canvas strap at the top with a safety pin since it's fastened with velcro which might come apart. I know it looks like it might not withstand the weight of a wriggling kitty (or three), but it does. Curiosa saw three kitties (a mamma and two babies) climb up one today at the same time. One of the baby kitties even climbed up the outside of it and then went in the whole in the top!! Then Mamma Cat slide all the way down the tube upside down from the top! This is like thousands of times better than any old curtain, and it will provide hours of entertainment for all you kitties AND for the ones with opposable thumbs. (I think this might even be better than the Zoom Groom, but I don't know if Edsel will be so happy about me saying that, since I know Edsel and his Zoom Groom have a very close relationship.)**
Those Swedes sure know what they're doing!
**This ad is NOT sponsored by either IKEA or Petsmart. I published this purely out of the generosity of my furry little heart. Thanks to Anna and Arne at Kattfarmen for the great idea!! Kitties all around the globe are forever in your debt.
Isn't this just about the cutest kitten you have ever seen, with the exception of me, of course? (But that goes without saying.) This is my little (half) sister. We have the same daddy, Vigge.
She might be named Saga (that's the Norse goddess of history), if Curiosa has anything to say about it.
To the ones who do all the shopping
Curiosa has never had a kitten of her very own before, and when she was growing up she just played with the kitties while her mom used to do all the hard work, like litter boxes and stuff. Curiosa has been doing a fairly good job taking care of my litter box, but sometimes the "fragrance" drifts into the rest of the apartment because it's very small, even though the pan is in the hallway. Curiosa is amazed at how much poop can come out of one little kitty; she doesn't even really want to think about how much poop can come out of two little kitties. Does it matter what kind of litter you use? And I guess it should be scooped everyday, and how often do you change the whole pan? Any special advice for anti-fumigation tricks?
Poop. It's all about poop.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
An Ode to Curiosa
A sandpaper kiss, and a furry nudge
And although dinner was late, I shall not judge
For thee are entitled to whine
As long as I eventually dine
I would cook if I could. I know, some fudge!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Sick as a woofie
When I wondered earlier if Curiosa was feeling well, I didn't really think that she was actually sick. I just thought it was unusual behaviour. But now I feel bad as she is starting to feel REALLY sick and sniffing and coughing and moaning (and whining). I sat on her stomach and tried to stick my paw in her ear to make her feel better (it always makes me feel better to stick my paw in my ear) but she just said, "mrrrrmmmmmmmahhhhhmr" in a very squeeky, whiny voice. I don't think it helped. She just took some super duper über cold pills, so she's hoping to be unconscious very, very soon.
The better to stick my paw in your other ear, my dear.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
More Cat Poetry
There once was a girl named Curiosa
When I jumped on the table she got furiosa
It didn't make sense, it was just a game
But she shooed me away, all the same
That girl and her moods, she's mysteriosa
Where's Curiosa and what have you done with her?
Curiosa must not be feeling well. Today, she did the dishes and cleaned my litterbox. I'd better go put my paw on her forehead to make sure she's not running a fever.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Kiss my furry behind, Curiosa
I am absolutely, positively, officially 100% NOT amused.
Curiosa never, ever lets me eat people food, so I should have known something was up. It was too good to be true. A nasty, nasty trick is what it was.
She was eating something that had chicken in it, so of course I thought that I'll like it too.
She spilled a little bit of this cheesy, gooey stuff on the table when I jumped up on her lap, so I started sniffing it. I looked at Curiosa to see if she was going to shoo me, but instead she smiled, and said, "Go ahead!"
I sniffed it again and started to take a bite. But it was so spicy, I sneezed instead!! CATCHOO! It was a horrible, horrible experience! I'll never, ever recover.
And the worst part of all, instead of feeling really really really sorry for me, like I did for myself, the girl just sat there and laughed. "That'll teach you!" she said.
Well, you can bet my furry little behind that one of these days I'm gonna teach her a thing or two! And the first lesson is gonna be: Don't Mess With the Food!!
Cat poems began with Max Psychokitty
He crafted haikus, epic and witty
He's clever, me thinks, a literati
Next thing you know it's kitty karate
Let's start an all purpose kitty committee!
Ullrick is a fiesty forest kitten
He's so cute you can't help but be smitten
He lives in the cold kingdom of Sweden
Herring galore, a garden of Eden
Fishies beware, you're gonna get bitten
Thank you, thank you!! (Ullrick takes a bow)
Friday, February 17, 2006
He he...check and this link if you want to make your people laugh.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
The Best Tail in Town
Hej!! Would anyone else be interested in being a model in a contest called "The Best Tail in Town?" If we can show off our paws, why not our furry behinds?
More Paws! My Paws!
Okay, so I can't read properly and missed the deadline for the Pawtraits contest, but here's the picture I would have sent in. I'm blaming the whole mess on Curiosa.
Calling all Paws! Take Two
Sometimes I don't know what goes on in this girl's head. Curiosa has been talking about two different things that will radically turn my furry little life upside down. First, she says it's time to noooooooter me. I'm not entirely sure what that entails, but it doesn't sound fun. She says that it's better not to ask questions that I might not want the answers to.
Second, she thinks I'm lonely because I've starting chasing my own tail, and I keep slipping and sliding on the wooden floors when I tear around the apartment. She tries to chase me sometimes, but she says it might be more fun to be chased by someone who could follow me under the sofa. This kitty in the picture is a little girl by the name of Findus, and she has to find a new home. She's two and a half and her daddy is allergic to her. Isn't she pretty? Curiosa is waiting to see if a new job here in Stockholm might work out, because then she will invite Findus to stay at Casa Curiosa with me. (It's actually Casa Ullrick, but don't tell her that!)
The problem is, if the job doesn't work out, Curiosa might have to think about going back to the U.S.. She thinks the trip will be hard enough with me, let alone with two kitties in tow. Do any of you travelling paws out there have any advice? Have you flown around the world and lived to tell the tail? If so, please share!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Calling All Paws!
Not that she would ever do such a thing, but I thought that I shameless advertise to all those kitties out there that my human Curiosa has been nominated in several categories for the Second AFOE European Webblog Awards 2006 at Fistful of Euros for her blog Kommissarie Curiosa. She has even been nominated under "Best Weblog," but she would be very satisfied with "Best New Weblog." Get get your people to put those opposable thumbs to use and click on this link, perhaps clicking several times on "Kommissarie Curiosa." Of course, I'm a little miffed that there is no category for "blogging cats," but what is a little kitty to do?
P.S. Make sure you scroll down as there are several categories and "Best New Weblog" is close to the bottom.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
kitty toys sh¤¤ty toys
Curiosa wants to know why, despite all of the playthings at my disposal (and toys that were intended for cats, she likes to point out), my two current favorite past times are batting around an empty toilet paper tube and carrying around an empty spool of wire.
Well....my only response to her question is....DUH!!!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Curiosa says she has ten little piggies. I say she has ten little meese.
Since it's my job to kill the dust bunnies, I figure I'm also responsible for killing the bed meese. You know, the ten little pale meese babies that stick out from under the covers at the end of the bed. I can't imagine that Curiosa likes sharing her bed with these meese, because there is hardly enough room in the bed for ME! (As the picture below demonstrates, I take up A LOT of space, despite my compact size.) I think they scare her too, because every time when I bat at them, they wiggle, making her scream!! Geez Curiosa, they are just meese! You don't need to be afraid. They keep disappearing under the covers, but I'll kill them soon, I will!
Monday, February 06, 2006
An Ode to Smelly Cats
Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favourite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Tails from the Tub Part II
My middle name is Stinky.
So, I'm sorry to report that she did it again. Curiosa tried to
drownwash me again.
Okay, maybe this time it was warranted. I was not as clean as I usually am, and I was kinda stinky. It it was so icky that even I didn't want to clean it with my tongue.
To be fair, she didn't wash ALL of me this time. She only washed half of me. And I do smell better.
I was a good kitty. I didn't scratch her at all. I bet the neighbors thought she was trying to kill me, but I was really just being dramatic. I reserve the right to complain at the top of my lungs when Curiosa turns that facet on me.
I just don't like the words "next time."