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Monday, February 27, 2006

Einstein

Don't ever get a human. It's just not worth it.

If you thought this was bad, wait till you hear what happened today.

I should have known better than to be happy when Curiosa announced she was going to the "puddy store" to buy some "puddy food." After all, as we learned last time, don't mess with the food. And I thought she was just going to come back with what she said she was going to buy, that is, kitten food.

Problem is, Curiosa, being a typical female and all, never does exactly what she says she is going to do. Technically, she DID buy the food, but she didn't bring it home.

The first time.

The first time she came home bearing gifts. There were some new metal food bowls, a new litter box with a lid, a couple of cans of stinky goodness (especially for little kitties), a pom pom, and even a little mouse. (Pssssssshhhh...as if one little 99 cent mouse is going to placate me...)

She also came home with a bag. A giant red vinyl bag with a zipper on it. It looked like she was planning to go bowling.

I should have known better.

She unzipped the giant red bag and of course I investigated it. It was carpeted inside, and actually kind of nice!

But before I knew it, she zipped me into it!! and said we were going back to the pet store to pick up the rest of the kitty food.

EXCUSE ME? DID YOU SAY WE? WE ARE GOING TO THE PET STORE? WHAT'S THIS WE BUSINESS? SURELY YOU MEAN YOU ARE GOING BACK TO THE PET STORE, RIGHT?

No, she actually did mean WE.

So out the door we went, with me slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatos. Let me tell you, of all the undignified things.....It was like I was nothing but a mere accessory. Sniff sniff.

I digress. DID I MENTION SHE TOOK ME TO THE PET STORE IN A PURSE?

There were cars, and woofies, and people, and more cars, and more woofies, and more people. It was way too much for a very little kitty (after all, I am just a baby) to take in all at once.

We got the damn food, and then headed home. And then there were even more cars, more woofies, and more people. I started to cry very loudly. HELP ME! HELP ME!

Curiosa kept saying that it's good to practice being in the bag. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN PRACTICE? PRACTICE FOR WHAT? NOTHING WE NEED TO DO INVOLVES PRACTICING, OF ANY KIND. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, CURIOSA, START A KITTY BASEBALL TEAM?

Finally...after what seemed like FOREVER...I mean like ages and ages...like a whole millenium or something...we got home. On the way in the outside door, Curiosa sniffed and announced that it smelled like one of the woofies had done his thing.

How very wrong she was.

Yeah, that's right. That smell didn't come from no woofie.

I pooped in the purse. And then I peed in the purse.

That'll show her, I thought. Boo-yaa, take that.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Not only did she decide to give the purse a bath, she decided to give me a bath while she was at it. First of all, the bathroom was dark, because the light bulb burned out over the weekend and Curiosa has decided she's a vampire and doesn't like light anyway, so she hadn't changed it yet. (Or rather, she hadn't gone to the store to get the bulbs she needed).

So now she has a pissy, poopy, angry cat in a dark bathroom. So she locks me in the bathroom, runs to the bedroom and steals the bulb from the night light, and comes back into the dark bathroom. So picture this: Curiosa, who knows by now that if I have to take a bath, she is going to take a bath, stripped down to her underwear, trying to change a lightbulb in a dark bathroom, cracking the bathroom door open enough so she can get some light from the hallway, all the while trying to keep a pissy, poopy, angry cat from escaping.

That image would make me laugh, that is, if I weren't the pissy, poopy, angry cat in question.

I'll save you the gory details of the ensuing battle, but suffice it to say that at one point Curiosa was wearing me like a hat. A Cat Hat. More stylish than that purse at least.

So, I got wet, she got wet, the bathroom got wet, and I think the ceiling even got wet.

It couldn't possibly get any worse, right?

Wrong again. So very, very wrong.

Turns out, I hadn't quite finished doing what I needed to do in the purse, but Curiosa wasn't going to let a wet cat streak around the rest of the apartment.

So her solution to this dilemma was to clean out the litter boxes and then fill one of them with fresh kitty litter (clay sand, mind you) and then lock it into the bathroom with me.

Yeah, cause it takes a genius to figure out that a wet cat and clay sand make a PERFECT combination. A wet cat plus clay sand that is supposed to clump together when it gets wet. Oh yeah, and a wet long-haired cat at that.

So now she's waiting for me to do what I need to do in the box so she can remove it in order to give me another bath to get the clumpy sand out of my fur.

Hmmmmpf. We'll see who lasts the longest.

11 Comments:

At 10:12 PM, Blogger The Meezers said...

OH MY GOODNESS!! Good for you pooping and peeing in the purse. She should have known. And she should have known better than to leave a Wet Hat Cat in a bafroom with clay litter. And YOU having to pay the price for it. How HORRIBLE

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Fat Eric said...

ULLRICK!!! What a terrible terrible ordeal for you! My orange fur has gone pale just picturing this horror. My human isn't helping by falling off her chair laughing. You will need years of counselling to get over this trauma.
I bet she thinks twice before she tries to put you in the red bag again.
Keep us up to date on your condition, I'm sending you lots of sympathy.

 
At 2:15 AM, Blogger Derby said...

Why did she have to take you to the store? Your humum isn't thinking good and needs to learn that kitties just need to stay home. Home where they are safe and DRY.

 
At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Athena said...

I'm very sorry that happened -- shh! Mama! Stop laughing, it's not funny!

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Orlando Bun said...

Oh man, sucks to be you.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger one of us said...

Oh dear...what a picture...we aren't laughing at you, but Mom thought the whole story was hilarious...~Merlin, Shadow, KO Ko

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Curiosa Einstein,

What a terrible, cruel way to torture a poor little cat! You put kittens in sacks when you are about to drown them, neverever else.

And you are about to buy an even smaller kitten from me, do you plan to put her in sacks too?

I should poop and pee all over myself and force you to bath ME.

That should teach you.

The cat farmer

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Ullrick said...

cat farmer,

this is ullrick. don't judge curiosa too harshly as i am a bit prone to exaggeration. curiosa does feel really bad about the whole thing, and she did mean well. the nice man at the "puddy" store wanted to see me, and she wanted me to get used to the bag (which I guess really is intended for kitties...despite the fact it does look like a bowling bag) so i wouldn't associate it with going to the vet. believe me, she does not intend to continue the habit of putting kitties in sacks. actually, i think vessa is quite lucky being the second child. i'm the lab rat, and she gets to reap the benefits of having curiosa make all of her mistakes on me. don't worry about vessa. curiosa loves me a lot and will love vessa a lot and promises no more sacks. and despite certain eccentricities, curiosa really is a good mother to kitties.

ullrick

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Ullrik,

It honour you that you show such loyalty with Curiosa despite her attempt to frighten the poo out of you.

And I am very glad to hear that Vessa is welcome to you, and that she will be treated with love and understanding: She-who-must-be-obeyed (the Cat Farmers wife) has threatend to flog me alive if I have scared away Curiosa from our deal with my male chauvinist piggish suggestions.

The Cat Farmer

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

OMG, Ullrick, what a terrible ordeal for you! Thank heavens you survived and feel up to writing all about it. We will definitely sign your NO BATH petition. And you must ask for a regular cat carrier (not a purse!!) It is beneath you to be carted around in that way.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger Victor Tabbycat said...

MOM! We need to read Ulrich a lot more often! While we weren't looking, he got a baby sisfur! And the bowling bag-bath story... when's the last time you laffed that hard?
It's not *really* funny; I've had 3 bafs now. An Mom tooked me back to the pet store twice to get my nails trimmed, which meant riding in the car. (Most) Kitties don't belong in cars.

 

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